This time last you, I was in love or at least I thought I was. Looking back now, the love I thought I was feeling was nothing more than a blanket of illusions covering up the cold reality that my love story was a joke.

So there I was working a shift at Latte Land the week before the big V and blushing with infatuation over some guy. I was feeling confident that Tuesday before the day of love. It seemed like everything was falling into place. I had my first article published in print. And I wanted to share the news with the world, so I did, and in doing so, I made the acquaintace with two men. At the beginning of my shift I met Steven and then later on in the day I met Bryan. They were both creatives struggling with life’s transitions but both radiated a magnetic positive energy. I can still feel it to this day.

Steven was an architect fighting cancer. He ordered a hot green tea and told me about his life in Manhattan. Bryan called himself a reformed drifter. He was recently working as a sailor and left the boating industry so he could settle down on land. Like me, he wanted to break into freelance writing. The three of us as individuals shared the questioning of life and the desire to find a purpose to living. I suppose this is why we connected.

“Why does anyone want to be anybody?” questioned Steven in response to me telling him about my career choices.

Often, I meet new people, partly due to working with the public. Some I vaguely remember, and then there are those people who leave such an impact on my life, regardless of the length of time they graced me with their presence, that I may as well tattoo their story in my memory bank.

Steven and Bryan fell into the latter catergory. I stayed in touch with them both and exchanged some of the most profound emails I’ve ever had the honor to read. But, sadly, I only knew them for a few months. As quickly as they touched me, they both passed away later in 2009.

It’s a strange occurrence that I met them on the same day and then they both died the same year, 2009. You just never know when you are going to leave this planet, are you?

I want to share with you an email Bryan wrote to me:

Andrea,

read your past few blog posts…

are you familiar with the term “Saturn Return”? It’s the idea that our life goes in (aprox) 7 year cycles - at 7 you are no longer a baby, at 14 no longer a child, at 21 no longer a teen, at 28… well - you’re wondering what the fuck is next b/c you see where you’ve been. At 35 (where i’ll be later this year) you look around and go “oh fuck, so this is where I’m at…” and then change it according to your world view, or accept it, or.. hell i don’t know - maybe go for a long walk off a short pier.

However, having been through the 28yr version of this - and i hit it rather late myself - i can recommend the following… go easy on yourself watch the self judgments, take time to ask yourself what is really important right now, and make decisions based on facts - not emotions. That is not to say deny emotions, even depression has it’s place, and it’s good to get really angry, really sad, really happy, whatever. Just don’t beat yourself up about it… let it flow.

don’t be a stranger, stranger.. btw - did you get that postcard?

Bryan

–
Editor, Crew Life Magazine

“For Crew, By Crew!”
www.crew-life.com

I spent the majority of last night tossing and turning attempting to find the most comfortable position to fall asleep. It seemed nothing worked and it was 5:00 a.m. the last time I looked at the clock.

It’s difficult to quiet my mind at times. Thoughts racing around my mind like a overly energetic hamster on a wheel, running and running while getting nowhere. And no sleep. Damn hamster wheel.

Now, I’m awake and bitter and it has nothing to do with the coffee I’m drinking. The coffee is fine but I’m feeling bitter about a number of things that have occurred recently. And I hate feeling like this and acting like a bitch to whoever comes near me.

I now have this ’stay away’ attitude. It started a few weeks ago, I wake up pissed off and I’m clueless as to why until last night.

Earlier in the day, I sent a message to a friend who is familiar with psychology and told him I’m bitter and don’t know why. He sent me some text at one in the morning telling me to call to talk. He then clued me in, something that should be obvious, but wasn’t.

“It’s combo of things, Andrea. You’re grieving about all the loss you’ve gone through.”

“But that was all in June, it’s September.”

“It takes time. You need to distance yourself from the situation.”

“What situation? I can’t distance myself from anyone, they are all gone!”

That loss was a divorce, a death, and a friend whom I cared deeply for. I thought I had moved on, but I think I’m seriously hurt by everything and there is no drink strong enough in this world to numb the pain. I actually quit drinking when I dropped my last drinking buddy.

I view my parents’ divorce as the breakdown of my home and then a week later my grandmother died, suddenly. I nearly lost my mind that day. I recall getting so drunk, I slept with a male friend who now thinks I’m a jerk, but whatever. What did he expect? I hooked up with him on the worst day of my life, I wasn’t looking for romance rather an escape from the pain. It didn’t work.

Nothing has.

I don’t know what to do. How do you work through it all so it doesn’t creep up later on in life? Hey, there, remember me? I’m
Mr. Pain.

I’m too young to be bitter.

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. Ask me stupid questions and I might blog about it.

Stupid customer question of the day (or shall I say, DECADE!)

Does coffee have caffeine in it?

Yes, it is true, a customer (whose identity is protected in case of getting smacked by jaded baristas) asked me the above question.

I’ve had loads of other stupid customer inquiries but I think it’s going to take a certain level of stupidity to beat out this guy.

Friday night, I go into work at Latte Land. Even before I go through the door, I’m stopped by this guy smoking a cig outstide who wants more than a latte. He wants to talk and I’m already 15 minutes late. Damn, rain storm, slowed me down today.

“Hey! How are you doing?” he asked like he was so excited to see me.

“Great,” I mumbled and went through the door as he started up his conversation piece.

A few minutes later, he approaches the counter.

“So, how are you?”

I look at him and tell him, “You’ve already asked me that, twice.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m not with it today.”

“Right. Sounds just like every other guy.”

“Oh, that was harsh!”

I’m so tired of male customers trying to get a piece of the barista’s pie. It’s beyond lame, we need a new word for lame.

He got the hint and stepped away from the counter taking a seat in front of his laptop.

Good, he’s occupied. Maybe he can find someone else to hit on online.

Then this good looking, young couple come in. They seemed cheerful at first and then they started to bicker back and forth. I looked down at their hands and saw wedding rings. Oh, they are married, that explains it.

They ordered their drinks, I made them and then stood patiently in front of the cash register waiting for payment. The guy was totally aloof.

“Are you going to pay her?” nagged his wife.

“Oh, I thought you were going to pay,” he snapped back.

“No, you pay.”

“You said you were going to pay!”

I stepped away from the register to remove myself from petty arguement. The guy finally pulled out a credit card.

“Now, I paid. You can sign it,” he requested his wife. She signed the reciept and they went over to the corner ignoring each other for the rest of their stay at Latte Land.

Later on in the night an elderly, tall man wearing glasses asks me my favoriate question:

“Is this Starbucks?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? It looks just like it.”

I think this man is due for an eye doctor appointment. Or, maybe, he is just dumb. I’m going with the latter, this is customer service.

Then this geek, sitting across from the counter chats on his cell phone. I think he wanted all of Latte Land to hear him speak. Man, I can’t stand loud cell phone talkers. He must have stayed on the phone for an hour annoying me to no end.

“I love my job, I lovemy job!” I said at loud and I’m calling it a night.

I’ve went to PA for a week to visit family. I was shocked to so many fat Americans in one place. My cousin told me that I’m skinny, I told him he’s never been to South Beach.

I forgot how great traveling around is and how it clears your mind and opens you up to the world. I can’t wait to get out of town again.

Away from all this family drama, especially since my parents divorce. It amazes me how mature they act. Each tries to win over my affection with gifts and food all the while bad mouthing the other, so I take sides I suppose.

Well, I’m taking sides, mine. That’s right. I’ll leave the mess for them to clean up, I’ve got work to do and trips to plan. Speaking of work, I’m writing regularly for a South Florida college newspaper. I’m excited to see what will come from this experience.

And possibly, just possibly, I’ll have my first ‘real’ job that I’m proud of by the time I turn 30.

Jesus is not my savior, the written word is.

It’s Sunday and a few days until I turn 29, the last year of my twenties. I figured I’d freak out by now and have some sort of about-to-turn-30-my-life-is-over ordeal, but I’m not. My life is only beginning, it’s my party days that are over for me now. I’m not saying the party is over, I’m just over constantly partying, running around with random guys, and not accomplishing anything solid.

Instead of freaking out and partying like a rock star, I’m going to slow down, and settle into my life. Something most of my friends, have done already, I’ve just bloomed a little later than them. I’m ready for adulthood, kids.

I got one of those invites last night to go out from a lovely, party girlfriend.

“Hey, I have friend in town, I’d love it if you’d come out!”

“Oh, where are you going?”

“The W, Exit 66 and then where ever the night leads.”

Where ever the night leads, means drinking until the bars close then possibly hitting a strip club, or finding a hot tub to hang out in as the the sun rises. Steamy make out sessions included.

“I’m going to stay in tonight, have fun.”

“That’s too bad,” she said disappointed.

I did just that, I stayed home and watched a French film, Paris Je t’aime. And I thought about how nice it would be to have someone special to watch it with. I looked over to my right and saw my cat lying next to me.

“I didn’t mean you,” I said out loud, jokingly.

“Meow?”

he perked up then rested his head on the couch’s edge.

I finished the film and went to bed thinking about my time in Paris. And what I want to become by the time I turn 30.

I’m on my way to Key West in search of the best Margarita and Key Lime pie.

Anyone want to meet me there and party, I’m ready to go.

I don’t know what I want to do career wise. I really don’t have a clue. So, I work as a barista and hope that one day I’ll figure it out. It sucks being confused. And the added pressure of family telling me I’m doing nothing with my life doesn’t make me feel any better. My version of life doesn’t entail owning a business like what my father sees me doing. I look at owning something as a responsibility load that I don’t want to take on.

“How about buying a coffee shop?” he asked me.

“No, way.”

“If you want a career, go into the medical field. There are all kinds of business opportunities there. Think about owning a hospice. Those make money.”

“Gross.”

Seriously, the man doesn’t know me. If he actually paid attention, he would realize I’m not the type to own a hospice.

So, I go to work at Latte Land and try not to stress over what I’m going to do with my life. While I was at my last shift, this skinny, cosmetically enhanced woman who comes in from time to time gives me unsolicited advice.

“Hello! I’ll have my vanilla frappe concoction.”

“Remind me again what it is, I haven’t seen you in a few months,” I said trying not to stare at her breasts.

“It’s sugar free and nonfat and…”

“Oh, yeah, I remember now.”

The conversation stops there and I turn around to make her drink. As I ring her up she says:

“If I were you, I would go to school to become a nurse.”

“Well, I’m grossed out by blood, so..” I said wondering where her advice was coming from.

“No, really, you’ll get used to it.”

“Oh, I don’t think I would. What happened to your sales job?” I asked trying to avoid the subject.

“I got laid off. And the economy is going to get worse. It’s not gonna turn around for 3 years. Go study to be a nurse, that’s what I’m doing,” she informed me as if she was saving me from frustration.

The frustrating thing is I never asked her for her advice. I might be confused but I know other people don’t know what’s best for me let alone a customer who knows nothing about me.

If I wanted to work in the medical field, I would go do it. If I wanted some recession proof career, then I’d do whatever it took to get one.

But I don’t. And no one else knows what’s best for me than me.

Here I go again, I’m back to blogging today. After my grandmother died about a month ago, I woke up every day feeling overwhelmed by sadness that I couldn’t focus enough to write out a blog post.

Instead, I’ve sought out distractions to avoid dealing with anything. I watched movies, drank, smoked, spent time with friends and pretended that going to parties was making the sadness go away. And you know what happened, the moment I was alone and no one was available to hang out, I cried hysterically. Unfortunately this happened while I was getting off of work.

“What’s wrong?” asked my coworker’s wife who was seated surfing the internet. I must of had a sad look on my face. Actually, I was about to burst into tears, so I did just that. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“I don’t know. I feel like crap and can’t snap out of it.”

“It’s okay. What happened?” she asked giving me a hug which only made me cry even harder.

“This is embarrassing. I can’t cry in front of people.”

“It’s okay.”

“I wake up feeling bummed out and go to bed feeling the same way. I don’t even know what is bothering me.”

“Well, didn’t you just lose a family member?”

“Yeah, a month ago and the week before that, my parents divorced. And also, this guy I really like we broke up and I can’t even remember when we did or if we did. I have no idea what is going on anymore.”

“You wonder why you are sad. You’ve just gone through a lot of shit.”

“Yeah, but shouldn’t I be over this already?”

She looked at me and shook her head saying it takes time to get over things. There, I wondered, how long does it take to come back to happiness? Or at least, when will my head clear up again so I can sit down and write a funny story.

I went to Dunkin Donuts this morning for an iced coffee. The woman at the counter asked me if I wanted cream and sugar in it and I said no.

She made the coffee with it anyway. I was too tired to wait another five minutes for a black coffee so I left without complaining.

As I stood in line, the lady next to me ordered a more complex drink. A 3/4 decaf with 1/4 caffeinated iced coffee, splenda and cream. I’m certain they screwed up her drink as well.

I would too if someone came into my shop asking me to measure the amount of decaf versus caffeine in a drink. The way I see it, drink decaf or regular. Stay on one side or the other. Why complicate things, it’s only coffee.